this is hard.

this whole moving on deal is hard. i should be compelled to go work out...to have that spite of making myself look better...i just don't feel that. i think i'm a little depressed or something, usually i want to go out for a jog but right now i'd rather be a couch potato. i'm sort of on the line between motivating myself to get out and "wallowing in my sorrow." lol.

i never realized why people get like this after a relationship. now i know its because you are dealing with the loss of that person; i'm depressed in that sense. i also need to stop thinking about her. like i'm always wondering if she is seeing someone or i feel like driving by her apartment to see if her car is there or not. i'm being pretty stupid too...i've been a total facebook whore by checking up on all the pages she had commented on just to figure out what she is up to. wtf is wrong with me?

most people say that getting over this comes with time and its just so hard to be patient..

i have fallen in love with the poem "To Earthward, by Robert Frost. This is an exerpt that i enjoy the most.

" The hurt is not enough

I long for weight and strength

To feel the earth as rough

To all my length. "

well...

i just need to get this down for the record.

so nicole decided to end our 3.5 year relationship because she felt distant from me. she told me that she didn't have a physical attraction to me anymore, and she also felt a lack of physical chemistry. she also wants to have some fun before she commits to anything. she basically tells me that she's not in love with me anymore.

okay, now what do you do when the person you thought you were going to marry springs that on you? that is where i feel lost. i don't feel the same way. in my mind, i am in love with her. i still felt that we had physical chemistry towards each other, i'm so taken aback by all of this. what just happened?

i believe she began to feel distant from the point where i started to accomplish the goals i had set before i graduated. i felt like i didn't do much in college so i set out to do what i could my senior year. i went to my research conference, but before that i had to spend time in lab...i missed out on weekend functions with friends, i was always tired. i wanted to 4.0 all my classes, i had to study more. i don't regret any of that, because i got the outcome i wanted.

i wouldn't change a thing i had done.. i don't feel like i did anything to our relationship. it seems like the ONLY time things got a little rough, she gave up on me. i told her she had all the cards, turns out it didn't end up in my favor, and i'm hurting because of it. she really broke my heart, and yes i know what all of those songs are about now.

Currently, i don't know what to do. its my choice to not have her in my life. i don't want to talk to her at all or see her. deep down inside i want her to regret ever thinking to end our relationship. i want her to realize that i was the best thing for her and she'll never get me back, i feel so much remorse in that little bit of self pity.

on replay..

tell me why...

the best pieces of advice i get are from a complete strangers?

provacperog2 says, "honestly, all that you can do is give her what she wants, move on, open your heart again and live your life because everyone deserves to be loved and respected."
clamshore64 says, "you got to move on even though it hurts."
they both tell me, "you need to do it for yourself."

that made my week. thank you.

I just feel like...

SLAPPING HER OVER THE HEAD WITH A 2X4 AND ASKING "DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR FUCKING UP?" AND "DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE LOSING?"

ITS ME YOU FUCKTARD, BITCH ASS CUNT! HOW CAN YOU BE SO STUPID.

YEAH GO AHEAD AND HAVE YOUR FUN. GO AHEAD AND FUCK AROUND I HOPE YOU REALIZE THAT YOU HAVE MADE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE.

FUCK YOU BITCH I WILL BE DONE WITH YOU.

(sigh)

WHAAAAAT THE FUCCCK IS HAPPENING?!!!!!!!?!!?!!!!!!!!

Fuck you fuck fyouck fuck you fuck you fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckyouyouyouyouyoufuckyoufuckyou!!!!!!!!!!!

i never thought

i would be on this side of the coin...

ive never felt this much emotion before and it makes me never want to be in another relationship again.

i'm hurt.

Handle my heart carefully.

Rainbows, I can't find them
past the raindrops where the light bends
where the stories tell of people finding beauty
where the dark's hold lets go

If you want to smile with me,
Hold me close and lie with me
If you want to die with me
Handle my heart carefully
Make me believe you.

I've been searching dreary weather
for a cloud that's line in silver
but the rain keeps on falling
and my love, i am calling for you

If you want to smile with me,
Hold me close and lie with me
If you want to die with me
Handle my heart carefully
Make me believe you.

You can't change the hurt you've done
Please don't let us come undone
Make me forget
Make me forgive
Make me believe you.

If you want to smile with me,
Hold me close and lie with me
If you want to die with me
Handle my heart carefully
Make me believe you.
Make me believe.

"Make Me"- Kina Grannis

Question...

Why do we have to grow up? Why do we tend to create responsibility for ourselves? Why does everyone in this world have a desire to be succesful?

"17 reasons why.."

I'm finding every reason to be gone.

"City" Sara Bareilles

There's a harvest each saturday nightAt the bars filled with perfume and hitching a ride. A place you can stand for one night and get goneIt's clear this conversation ain't' doing a thing.

Cause these boys only listen to me when i sing. And i don't feel like singing tonight,all the same songs.

Here in these deep city lightsGirl could get lost tonightI'm finding every reason to be gone. Nothing here to hold on to, Could i hold you?

The situation's always the same. You got your wolves in their clothes whispering Hollywood's name. Stealing gold from the silver they see. But it's not me.

Here in these deep city lightsGirl could get lost tonightI'm finding every reason to be gone. There's nothing here to hold on to, Could i hold you?

Calling out somebody save me i feel like i'm fading away. Am i gone? Calling out somebody save me i feel like i'm fading. In these deep city lights, Girl could get lost tonight. I'm finding every reason to be gone. There's nothing here to hold on to, Could i hold on to you?

I never understood this.

so this is how it feels to have lost a very influential person in your life.
this is how it feels to keep your mind busy so that you can't think of the things that make you emotional.
this is how it feels to have a void in your mind.
this is how it feels to be in disbelief and denial.
this is how it feels to walk around without feelings.
this is how it feels to rediscover your faith.
this is how it feels to remember.
this is how it feels to really cry.
this is how it feels to be angry.
this is how it feels to miss someone.

life.

I was reminded of God's presence in our lives. I saw it in my grandmother. Its amazing how just one week could change so drastically. I love you Apu, I'll never forget what you taught us. I'll miss you everyday until I see you again. I love you.

let the wind blow through your heart...

sometimes you realize that nothing more than music pulls you out of chaos. for me amel laurriex's 'wild is the wind' really pulled me by the arm and sat me down in a quiet place. life has been hectic these past weeks, so i really enjoyed the energy of that song.

cunt.

bitch ass cunt face.

YOUR SO FUCKING DUMB!

your so fucking stupid. you don't learn fast enough, you didnt get your pick in school is because you gpa was fucking low as shit. your so irresponsible too. you think you can go out and drink and not gain weight? look at you, you look like you gained 10 pounds. and yeah, your so fucking slow at some things. i wish you were smarter you stupid piece of fucking shit.

your always late. you always fall below the line. your just like a pile of dust i can just blow away.

LAB

i want to go home. why wasn't i paying attention?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! BLAAAAH! i was supposed to go home 30minutes ago. damnit.

FUCK

fuck you school.
fuck you job market.
fuck you economy.
fuck you ego.

Wow.

goodbye winter quarter! hopefully my grades will be what i expect.. and goodbye snowboarding, i'll be on the mountain again soon enough..

One day..

I have officially found my dream home. I read about pre-fabricated homes, and found that they are more durable since they are built in a factory. I came across Michelle Kaufman designs and turns out that she is the architect who designed the sunset breezehouse! wow, i love that home and one day i'm going to own own of her designs. I'm just attracted to her eco-friendly, modern and functional style.

Michelle Kaufmann Designs

Finals week..

yep, its that time of the quarter again. my last winter quarter is about to end...kinda sad. i've learned to live in the moment during this winter, and i have to say that its a great feeling to not anticipate time.

i have my immunology final on monday and i will be ready for it, same with my cell bio final on friday. there is no excuse as to why i shouldn't be. time to end this quarter with a bang!

i'm weird

Yes, I'll admit it....i google myself and my friends every now and again just to see what pops up.... The other day i googles myself and found that i have a new headline under my name!

My abstract is up on the NCUR website!! finally!! I would have never known lol! NCUR Its pretty freakin awesome :) wisconsin cheeseheads here i come!

helpless.

cancer has won alittle more relevance in my life. it has reminded me that no matter how technologically advanced we can be, there still isn't a cure. my grandma found a lump in her breast several years ago and thankfully it was benign. but now that cancer is back and has metastisized to her lungs in full force. aren't we the smartest species on earth? have we not developed a cure for this disease?

she had her first chemo session this past tuesday, and the onc said that the cancer is in stage IV. the most extreme and incurable case. all i can think of is to be home and not be 5 hours away. sometimes i can't think of anything else but to be with my grandma. i love her and it makes me cry to think of not being in her presence.

this is when i hope to believe in a higher being that will offer a little hope in her condition. i pray that her journey through this disease will be successful.

Pressure.

My grandma has cancer again. great. why can't i hurry up and be a doctor? why can't i get my research done? ugh....think positive..oh yeah, right.

Get On the Ball..

Okay, I am going to refurbish my resume and get a second opinion from my references and from the career services center.

If I do this, then my resume should be bold and attractive.

Oh! I submitted an abstract of my research project to the National Conference for Undergraduate Research and this is what they emailed me back:

"Dear Alicia Caldejon, et al:

Congratulations! We are happy to announce your abstract submission, Synthesis of a Biodegradable Non-viral Gene Delivery Agent for use in Chemotherapeutics, was approved for presentation. Chosen from thousands of submissions, your abstract displayed a unique contribution to your field of study. Your scholastic achievements and efforts are impressive and we hope you continue this high standard of excellence into graduate school and beyond."

Wow, that's my work...and i am proud of myself. I mean I should be! I am so grateful and excited right now! Which means its overtime in the lab lol.

But, again these are some of the companies that i will apply to.. preferably for a reseach associate position.

Amgen
Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center
Seattle Cancer Care Alliance
Aerotek
Seattle Genetics
Hollister-stier
PAML
Novo Nordisk
Allegis
Zymnogenetics
Forensic Laboratory Services Bureau (FLSB) of the Washington State Patrol

I am also looking forward to a couple of career fairs in the next couple months as well.

things.

things are going well. i am a teaching assistant for advanced organic chem lab and am also teaching a chem 100 plus group twice a week. on top of that still doing research 3-6 hours a day and still an active member of the scary feminists and now of the premed/dent society. okay. slow down.. yeah. i need too, just a taaad.

as for things outside of that part of my life, we are going snowboarding tomorrow and right now i am feeling how 9:00 pm feels. it feels great. i love the weekend.

Yay for good things.

First of all, my cat is doing alot better. in fact i think she is about 80%, her appetite is still a little off. i took her to the vet and he gave her a shot, plus some pills to give her over the course of 4 days. but man, it cost me like 70 bucks...yikes. its alright though, just as long as it will help her it'll be worth it.

second of all, because of my scholarship i have to faciliate a PLUS group for a class. its the only requirement but ugh..i feel obligated because i already have so many things on my plate. maybe i'll make a study group for students in chem 100... we'll see what happends.

Penny keeps vomiting

penny has been throwing up her food more than 6x a day for about two days now. i first noticed that she was vomiting last tuesday or wednesday at my parents house, but it has gotten progressively worse since then. i thought it had stopped once we got back but she has just been worse. yesterday she vomited a reddish-brown color about 6 times then vomited a tan color with chunks of the canned food i had fed her. i think the reddish-brown color is indicative of her dry food.

so, im thinking that she is having trouble keeping food down for some unknown reason. but im not sure that the food is the cause because ive been feeding her the same dry food for about 3 weeks now and she had only started to vomit everything in addition to the dry food last tuesday. maybe its something deeper, dealing with her digestive system. a parasite? a virus? i don't know. i also noticed that her eyes are very watery, almost like shes crying all the time.

its wierd because i noticed that she has been pooping though, which means she is keeping some things down. but then her last bm was yesterday. there also aren't any hairballs in her vomit and penny seems very listless. so my final resort is to take her to the vet. i have an appointment tomorrow at 4pm, hopefully things will get better by then.

great looks.

so im watching 'a knights tale' with nicole and we both agreed on two things:

1. heath ledger will always be my number one man crush

2. shannon sossamon is freaking hot!